DesperateDoctor

Desperate Doctor — The Doctor Who Makes You Want to Call Another Doctor His real name is Jarvakko. But on the Autochess battlefield, everyone calls him Desperate Doctor. Not because he treats desperate patients. Because after experiencing his methods, everyone becomes desperate. Jarvakko was once an ordinary troll healer. He treated colds with herbs, broken bones with spells, and bad moods with a suspicious purple potion from an unlabeled bottle. Whenever someone asked: “Is this even safe?” He always answered: “We’ll know in a minute.” For some reason, that never made patients feel better. Jarvakko never studied at a medical academy. He claims life itself gave him a diploma. Life strongly denies this. His main medical principle is simple: “If the patient is still screaming, the treatment is working.” Eventually, normal medicine became too boring for him. So he started experimenting. He mixed swamp slime with mushrooms — poison. Added the ashes of an ancient shaman — curse. Added one more bottle — blew up half the laboratory. Jarvakko looked at the smoking crater and calmly wrote in his notebook: “Reduce dosage slightly.” That was the day his famous elixir was born. There was only one problem. He had absolutely no idea what it did. So naturally, he decided to test it on enemies. And that is how his favorite ability was created — Bouncing Cask. Jarvakko throws a bottle at an enemy. It hits the first target. Bounces to the second. Then the third. Then, for some reason, comes back to the first one. Sometimes it changes direction so violently that it feels like the bottle itself has joined the match and is trying to farm damage. Enemies usually ask: “WHY DOES THE BOTTLE BOUNCE?!” Jarvakko shrugs. “Side effect.” The targets receive damage, a stun, and one very important life lesson: Never trust a troll carrying purple liquid. Especially if he says: “It’s almost tested.” Despite everything, Jarvakko genuinely believes he is a healer. If an ally comes to him with a wound, the Doctor carefully examines it, pulls out a giant bottle, and says: “I have good news and bad news.” “What’s the good news?” “You won’t feel pain anymore.” “And the bad news?” “I haven’t decided the dosage yet.” At that point, most allies suddenly remember that they feel completely fine. Jarvakko wears a wooden mask and never removes it. Some say it hides a horrifying face. Others say there is no face underneath at all. The Doctor simply says: “The mask is sterile.” Nobody has ever been brave enough to ask more questions. Before every battle, Desperate Doctor sorts through his bottles: “Poison… curse… sleep… explosion… tea…” Pause. “Actually, no. The tea explodes too.” His greatest dream is to create the perfect medicine — one that can cure any illness. So far, his closest attempt can: heal, poison, stun, catch fire, glow in the dark, and occasionally whisper the owner’s name. The Doctor considers this progress. The main rule of his laboratory is written on the door: “DO NOT TOUCH THE BOTTLES.” Someone wrote underneath: “ESPECIALLY THE PURPLE ONES.” And below that, in Jarvakko’s handwriting: “COWARDS.” Purchase quote: “Patient or volunteer? Doesn’t really matter.” Entering battle: “Who needs a diagnosis?” Using his ability: “Catch! I’m almost sure this is medicine!” When the bottle keeps bouncing: “Oh! That’s new.” After killing an enemy: “Treatment complete.” At low health: “The Doctor needs a doctor! Preferably not me!” When sold: “You’ll be back. All patients come back.” At three stars: “CONGRATULATIONS! Clinical trials now cover the entire board.”